Experiences - Pt. 4: A True Man

I don’t remember being fatherless. I know for a fact that I was for a period of time, but nevertheless I remember having a dad in my life. My biological father abandoned me and my mom before I was born, going off to do whatever he does when he chooses to disappear from people’s lives. I don’t know how my mom felt about the situation but I imagine she was afraid; she was a teenager, a new adult, pregnant, and all alone save for the baby in her stomach. If I were her in that situation I would be scared shitless, no idea what was going to happen to me or my unborn child. 

My mother is strong and independent. She knew what she had to do and she was doing it. Then she met a man. A handsome, kind, strong, compassionate, and loving man who was going to be my father, my real father. I don’t remember the play by play but I know they got married after knowing one another for a few months, and have now been together for over 20 years. They always say one thing — when you know, you know. I use this premise with my dad. All I know is he is my dad, and I know that for a fact. 

My dad has always had a big heart, and his love encompasses me daily. What a comfort it is to be loved. He became the key male figure in my life, starting at a very young age. I have seen countless photos of us together doing every sort of fun childhood activity; we swam, played in the dirt, went sledding, went hiking, etc.. Birthdays were always a special feat in the household, a whole day dedicated to celebrating you. Dad was always there, always involved. He was a silent observer, always there watching and supporting with a kind expression. He seemed to enjoy the festivities and always took part in activities when he could. I love that about him.

He is my biggest supporter, having him by my side has made me understand the value of showing up for your people. He was there at every concert, every game, every celebration. He supported me even when I was in trouble. He was never unkind to me, he was always level headed and knew just what to say. He is my voice of reason in a shroud of uncertainty. He is the epitome of what a man truly is.

There were a few times in my life where I was going through a dark time. I felt so alone in my despair, drowning and no one was going to save me. One time, my dad came to my room and told me about a time where he lost hope too. He had felt alone and lost, saddened by the burdens of young life. It made me feel less alone and it gave me someone solid to relate to. He made it through and maybe I could too. He may have seen it as a shot in the dark but it was a light to me. He was a big reason for why I chose to stay. He is a light in my life. When I was away from home he would check in with me to make sure I was okay. Sometimes I wasn’t and he made it a little better when he reached out. I appreciated the effort he made to connect with me. He sent me songs, articles, quotes, jobs, “how are you”s, etc. I loved every one of these things. He was there for me even though he couldn’t be there physically. He was always around no matter what.

I remember playing a family game that asked something along the lines of “what do you want your family to know” and he said that he likes to feel needed, and he worried that we wouldn’t need him anymore. In my head I was confused… how could he ever think I didn't need him? Maybe I didn’t show it enough but I needed him constantly. I needed him for questions about life, religion, car troubles, advice, music recommendations, people, job interviews, and even online shopping. I need him for support, to be there when I fall. He could help me stand on my own two feet again, and help me make sense of my doubts. How could he think I didn’t need him? Of course I do. We all do. It broke my heart to know that I had failed him in that aspect. I should have told him how much I needed him. I never knew how to say things directly, it felt fake so I would make a point to do other things to show I needed him.

My dad has a hyperfixation with research, but only for very specific things. He could do hours of research on what type of shoes he wanted or take a week to decide what type of water bottle would be best for someone he knew. He cares so much, it’s amazing really. I would make a point of asking him questions about something I was interested in so he could look up these things for me. I had no idea where to look but he had all the best places to look. I honestly think he found out a way to unlock the internet’s secrets so that it worked for him and him only. Whatever he had to do to find that information he did with an intensity that would put Paris Geller (Gilmore Girls) to shame. He worked hard at everything he did.

He has had a test of endurance navigating the perils of five women’s relationships on the daily. My mother, my sisters, and I are all headstrong powerful women, we were raised as such. My dad has had to mediate so many fights, no wonder he’s so calm in the face of adversity. My sisters and I were taught to go for what we wanted and to endure and persevere through any and all things that come our way. Dad led by example. He ate well, he did extensive research, and he trained for months on end to prepare for different races — something he wanted to do. He prepared mentally and physically to achieve this goal. In the end he succeeded, and I hope to achieve my goals in the same manner. He showed that even though things are hard, it does not mean you shouldn’t do them. All it means is you need to find a way through it. He taught me that I can do it too. 

I love my dad. He’s the only dad I have ever known and I am 100% okay with that fact. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and love him. He has done so much for me and has had a huge impact in my life. If you choose to read this, I want to say thank you for everything. I am so blessed to have you in such a big and impactful part of my life. I will always need my dad. <3

If you relate to this for a father, father figure, or male presence in your life then don’t forget to tell them, its always nice to hear. If you have any questions, comments, or just want to talk then message me through email or socials. Thanks!

Sincerely,

TH