Experiences - Pt. 5: Religion

I have always been a skeptical person. As a child I never truly believed in Santa Claus. I always found it too fantastic; you're telling me a magical fat man in a red suit visits every kid in the world in one night? It just wasn’t realistic. I didn’t ruin the magic for anyone else of course, I knew enough to know that it’s a big no-no to force elementary aged children into reality and shatter their fragile dreams. So I got into a certain mindset about fantastical things. I would go along with everyone else — I would answer questions asked and I would participate in everything the others did. I didn’t want to make a fuss. It wasn’t necessarily bad, I still had a fun time writing lists and telling the mall Santa what I wanted for Christmas. I just felt a little off about these things.

Church never really felt right to me. We were taught that this omnipresent spirit was inside all of us and we should always listen to it. When we were bad he would go away and stop talking to us. This doesn't make any sense and it wasn’t just about a ghost, a still small voice, telling me what was right and wrong. It was also about the idea of him abandoning you in a time where you’d think he’d be needed more than ever. It just didn't track. There were a lot of things that didn't track within the religion I had grown accustomed to. A Vengeful God, miracles, modern day prophets, tithing, etc. I know other religious sects have different ideas and practices but the similarities between them all didn’t hold any water either, not enough to where I could be comfortable in my proclamation of faith. 

I wanted to believe, pretty much more than anything else in the world. Why couldn’t I just accept this idea for the truth? As I grew up I felt alienated due to my beliefs. No one knew, but I did and it was hard to lie about it over and over again. When I went to the Bishop’s office for my interview for a temple recommend (to be able to enter the temple and perform baptisms) I lied through my teeth. I felt horrible about it but I wanted to be like everyone else. There were so many questions that had a specific correct answer for each of them; do you follow the Word of Wisdom? Do you follow the Law of Chastity? Do you believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost? Yes, yes, and yes. Even though my answers were mostly untrue, my hope for religious peace was true. The question that always made me uncomfortable was him asking if I had anything I should tell I’m. I wanted so badly to tell the truth. I wanted to say YES and ask all of my doubt-ridden questions. I never did. I said No and left with my small card that granted me entrance into the holy building. Alone? Maybe, but at least I was with everyone else.

All these unanswered questions, ones gone unanswered due to my own fear and doubt of acceptance… questions like: why did God make so many tules to follow, that seemed possible to do right? Did people really receive revelation? Why do I have to give my hard earned money to the church when I could barely cover my own bills? How did Jesus perform all of the miracles the Bible says he did? How could any of this be real?

I approached this issue the same way I approached the Old Saint Nick debacle. I hid my true feelings and went along with everyone else. I knew enough to know what to say and what not to say. I played along, I answered questions, I bore my “testimony”, I participated, I even paid tithing. Still, I never got that warm fuzzy feeling or received revelation or really resonated with talks given during sacrament. I felt lost and mostly alone because of this. I couldn’t make myself believe as much as I tried. There were too many “wrong” things about it all. I just couldn’t understand how a God who loves everyone could be so vengeful and hateful, so jealous. It felt like doing one wrong thing made you a sinner which in turn made you a bad person. A higher power should be kind, loving, understanding, and compassionate towards all people. The way Jesus Christ is depicted is far better than that of God. I was never really afraid of God, maybe I was at one point but it didn’t last. I have always had a sense of peace when thinking about the end of life, however far away it may be. What I did and do have a fear of is judgement, mostly from other people. I’ve heard that Gpd is the sole judge of actions but that hasn’t stopped the church ladies from throwing shade toward anyone that didn't look or act like they do. As a teenager I was more afraid of Relief Society members than I was of Judgement Day™. If God does exist I doubt he’d want his followers to act in the manner they do. The whole messy thing concerns me greatly. 

In my head I created my own idea of a higher power, one who was understanding and kind. One who wouldn’t turn their back on you if you messed up or doubted things. That was something I could believe in, something I could support. I couldn’t tell anyone of course, no one I knew at the time. They would consider it blasphemous and put my name in the prayer book So I kept it to myself from age 11 to almost 20. By the end of my teenage years I found comfort in this saying: “My God is Not Your God”. My higher power is completely understanding of my circumstances and would never judge based on restrictive rules that are not conducive to a human existence. This struck a chord with me and gave me comfort that I had never felt before. I no longer believe in organized religion or the idea that people are sinners or unworthy when they prove that they are only human. We are all doing this life for the first time so we should extend the amount of grace we wish to receive. 

I have made many mistakes in my life, more than I can count. This does not make me unworthy. This has made me understanding and compassionate, and I love the idea of loving others unconditionally. I strive to achieve that, to show everyone grace when they need it. I no longer want to be hateful toward the vengeful and the mean, I want that sweet disposition people feel safe around. In my own ideology, kindness is the way to please God. All of the rules and stipulations surrounding the church isn't as important as people make it out to be. The thing I will say about organized religion is this: if it gives you comfort that is great but don’t judge others for not believing what you believe. Everyone should have that cornerstone that brings them close to their authentic selves. IF religion is that for you then I am happy for you. As long as your beliefs don’t hurt yourself or others then it is worth it. 

I want to clarify that this is my personal experience with religion and is not meant to bash on any specific religious sects or people. What I do not condone is judgement and hate, I can’t stand for that. I want to care for everyone regardless of their denomination. I am genuinely happy for people who have found themselves within something whether it be Wicca, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, etc. If you have experienced something similar you should reach out and tell me your story! I would love to hear anything you have to say or feel about the subject. Message me through gmail or socials and we can talk. Thank you for being here, I’m happy to have you:)

Sincerely,

TH