Writing: The Sun and the Moon — Pt. 3

***This is part 3 of the novella I am attempting to write. The situations in this story are spoken from partial truths and creative integrity which means that some of what is written actually happened in one way or another. I have begun to send out this story to be edited by friends and family so if you could give me any advice, comments, or ideas on how to make it better I would really appreciate it! Just email or DM me:)

Their therapist’s office was a mix of greenery and light colored quotes peppering the walls. It was a cozy space with a noise machine filling the empty space. There was a large sign that read Bright Affects co. The door to her room opened and Ashlee, their therapist, walked out. 

“I didn’t know you were coming in today. Is everything okay?”

“Yes I just need to talk to you. Are you available?”

“I am actually, someone just cancelled. Come on in.” She stepped back into her room and they followed. 

“So,” she said as they sat down across from one another, “What do you want to talk about?” 

“I’m not really sure where to start…” they answered.

“Why did you decide to come see me?”

“Well, I hoped you’d be able to sort this out for me.”

“Sort what out?”

They paused for a moment. “Ayla is gone and I don’t know where she is. I’ve looked, I don’t know what to do. Please help me.” They had become frantic and tears stung their eyes.

“Okay, you need to breathe,” she replied and took a deep breath in and out. “Okay 1…2…3… good, that’s good.” They took deep breaths and their heart rate slowed. They felt as though they were taking some control back, finally.

They looked down at their feet as they braced themselves against the couch. Deep breath…1…2….3… “Thank you,” they said as they sat back to look at her again.

“That is the fastest I have seen you take control. What’s different?”

They struggled. “I don’t know. It’s been so dark and confusing without her but at the same time I’ve been able to connect with people and with things again.”

She nodded slowly, “I see. When did this situation begin?”

“That’s the thing, I don’t remember. One second she was here and the next she was gone. It felt like my world was ending, it felt hopeless.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“Um … I feel more okay than I have been but I miss her. I am going to find her. I want to tell her all the things she missed. I just don’t know what to do.”

“I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are. You were able to leave and come here all on your own. That is a huge step. I also noticed that your affect is brighter. Why do you think that is?” They hadn’t even noticed. Ashlee often said they had a dull affect due to low times, but they realized that she may be right. They had felt their own warmth for the first time in a long time, and this fact must have manifested physically. 

“I have no idea,” they replied, “I have just been going to her favorite places.” 

“Have you stopped to wonder if she is looking for you too? Maybe it’s time to do something for you and focus less on everything about her. Instead, focus on what will make her want to come back. I think she would want to see this version of you.”

They hadn’t thought of it in that way. Maybe they had left her. They weren’t sure where she had gone but they didn’t think anything through either. She could have noticed they were gone and went out to find them the same time they went out to find her. Maybe they needed to look where they would want to go.

“What are you thinking?” Ashlee asked.

They paused before answering. “Just about what you said. That maybe I need to do what makes me happy, places I would go. Maybe she’s not lost, maybe she needs to come to me.”

“That is a very mature outlook. How do you feel about that?”

“I’m nervous about it. How can I just forget about her?”

“You aren’t forgetting about her at all, you’re making home feel welcoming. Bring your own light into the mix.”

“Okay, okay. I think that maybe I can do something that will bring me joy. But I still want to find her.”

“I’m not saying don’t look for her. I’m saying spend some more time with yourself before you continue. Maybe tracking her down won't seem like the loving notion you think it is. She may see it as controlling, which we both know is a struggle for you.” Ashlee said calmly.

They nodded slowly and felt tears sting their eyes and a lump began to form in their throat. Was she right about this? Had this all been about them trying to control the situation? It hadn’t felt that way at the time but maybe this theory held some water. Some. They knew they liked being in control but looking back made them realize that maybe this was them trying to turn back time to achieve a reality that had since passed. They needed to find a different goal that fueled their desire to find her. For so long they had felt her warmth, but maybe it was time to learn how to repay her. 

“I think I understand,” they exclaimed. They blinked back tears and gave a small smile. It was then that they saw the sky through the window. It was blue instead of gray, and there was fluffy white clouds partially covering the blue. How beautiful it all was. Their therapist turned to see what had gotten their attention. 

“Oh!” She exclaimed happily. “It’s so nice out!” It really was.

”I should go,” they said as they stood, “thank you for everything, I’ll see you next week?”

 “Oh you’re going?” Ashlee replied as she stood. “Do you know what you are going to do?”

 “Something for me. Maybe for us.”

”Okay, well I wish you luck. I know you’ll make it, I can tell. You seem better already, brighter.” She smiled and looked out the large windows again. “Enjoy the weather, I will see you next week.”

They waved goodbye and headed out of the building. Thinking back, they didn’t know what they even enjoyed anymore. There were things that made them happy but they had done them all with Ayla. She made everything sound like a good idea. They could be folding laundry together and she’d be dancing along to the music in her head. They needed to dance to the music. Before they were with her they had their moments but it was difficult to recall them now. Learning how to do things without someone by their side felt odd but not necessarily bad, just strange. They just needed to find something they could enjoy by themselves. Just one thing to make them feel like singing and dancing to the music. Liking things was a simple task for people who knew what they wanted. But for them? Nothing seemed simple when it came down to deciding things for themselves, it had never been that way. Maybe writing things down would help, as stupid as it sounded. 

They got in the car and rummaged around in their bag for a notepad. They found a small one at the bottom and fished it out along with a pen.

Things I Enjoy

They wrote at the top and underlined it multiple times. What did they like? They liked reading, but so did she. Could they like the same things? They decided that since they are doing it themselves that it would be okay to have these things in common. They continued listing things from favorite foods to favorite pastimes. It felt freeing to be able to have a physical copy of what could make them happy.

They finished the list with a final curve of a letter and tore it out. They tucked it next to their GPS screen so they could see it clearly. They took a glance at the paper and put a location into the GPS that signaled for them to turn right. They put the car in drive and put the next foot forward in the journey.

~~~~~~~~*~*~~~~~~~~

Monia’s Threads, read the sign adorning the window to a small shop across town. It was painted blue and purple, a stark contrast compared to the drab buildings beside it. They headed inside, and the ring of a bell signaled their arrival. The thrift store was always a safe space for them and this place seemed like it could do that for them.

 “Hello! Welcome, welcome,” a woman yelled from the racks of clothes. “Take a look around, I’ll be with you in a sec.” They took a glance around the shop. It wasn’t big but it held a shocking amount of stuff. The clothes were hung up row after row with narrow walkways in between. Lining the walls were large wooden bins labeled with what was inside of them. The walls were a mural of suns and beautiful swirling colors. It spanned the length of the back wall and the colors encroached on the other walls that were painted a lovely shade of lavender. They immediately loved the space and walked into one of the aisles and began to wander. 

“Hello!” A voice sang from behind them. They jumped and whirled around. The woman was dressed in bright, patterned colors. Her dark dreadlocked hair was held back by a colorful scarf and her gold jewelry covered her neck, fingers, and hair. Her shirt hung just below her navel and showed a strip of dark skin. She was quite beautiful. “My name is Monica, I’m the owner. What can I help you find today?”

 “I just came to look around, your store is so cute, I love it,” they replied and reached out a hand to shake. She took it in both hands and smiled brightly. Her teeth were perfectly straight and dazzlingly white in contrast with her skin. 

“Thank you darling, you’re a sweetheart. I’m sure you’ll find something lovely to take home,” she replied and looked intently at them for a moment. “You seem like the music type, I’m gonna turn up the tunes. Feel free to sing and dance, it’s encouraged here.” She twirled away, leaving a scent of incense and jasmine. 

They continued down the aisles, and grabbed item after item that looked like it may fit. The music sang loudly over the speakers, and it sounded familiar to them. The melody was part folk, part alternative, and part indie which fit the vibe. They began to hum along as they continued to look through the clothes. They began to feel warm inside, the feeling bubbling through their body. It was the feeling they had with her. They were surprised they could feel this on their own. She was always proud of them, no matter what they did. They were sure she would be proud of them for this too. She was lovely in that way. 

They took their growing pile to the counter. “Do you have dressing rooms?” They asked.

“Yes, I do! They are actually just over there,” she pointed toward a set of doors that had dresses painted on them. “Show me what you try on, I’d love to see!”

They nodded and went into the first one and locked the door. They grabbed certain pieces and tried to match them together. Finally they changed into the clothes and walked out of the room. Monia gasped and walked out from behind the counter. 

“You. Look. Fabulous!” She squealed, clapping in between each word. She did a twirling motion with her finger, and they obliged, slowly turning in a circle. She nodded slowly and moved closer to look them up and down.

“You look amazing sweetie. I just love your smile,” she exclaimed. They reached up to touch their lips to find that they had been smiling. It felt almost foreign on their face, but it also felt right. This had felt more right than they had in a long time. They decided that they liked this place, Monia included.

“You’re so sweet, thank you,” they replied and turned to change into another outfit. They put the new set of clothes on with themselves in mind. What would they like? What would make them feel good about themselves? They looked into the mirror for a long moment and messed with the clothes hanging off their frame. They were built strong in the shoulders and feminine in the waist, a strange combination of moving parts to them. They closed their eyes for a moment, centering themselves. Deep breath…1…2…3…The music singing over the speakers was a classic 90s hit that they knew well. They sang along softly as they whirled out of the dressing room. They took a spin in front of Monia who was sitting on the counter, her legs swinging back and forth. She clapped excitedly and squealed again. “Eee! You look. So. Good. This color is a-ma-zing on you!”

They gave the outfit another look in the full length mirror hanging between the two changing room doors. “I like this one, I think I’ll get it.”

“Fabulous darling, fabulous. Go ahead and leave the rest in there and I’ll take care of it.”

“Are you sure? I can help.”

“No worries hon, it’ll give me something to do instead of sitting around.”

“Is it always this quiet?”

“No, people come in pretty often. It’s just a weird time of day for this time of year. What brought you in today?”

“I was looking for something,” they replied vaguely and looked down at their hands.

“And did you find it?”

“You know, I think I might have. Or at least, the start of something.”

“It takes a long time to find yourself but once you do you always have it. Even if you get lost again you can find it. Kind of like day and night. The dark can be scary and cold but the sun has to come out eventually. The light is there if you know where to look.” 

They thought this over in their head. Monia may have a point. She seemed so confident and sure of herself, maybe she knew what she was talking about. The sun would have to come out eventually. Astronomy has proven that fact, but how do they clear the clouds?

“Thank you,” they said gratefully. “You may have helped me find the something I was looking for Monia.”

“Of course baby. Oh and its Mo-nee-u, not Mo-ni-u. It’s from the greek name Eudaimonia. My parents went to greece on their honeymoon and fell in love with their tour guide’s name. They say it means good spirit and happiness.”

“Wow, that is an amazing name. How do you say it again?”

“U-day-mo-nee-u. It’s a mouthful I know but it feels like me, ya know?”

“Yeah I get that. I think it suits you, you’ve got a great vibe about you. It’s bright.” They said to her. She really was an otherworldly figure, an earthborne goddess of sorts. They wanted to surround themselves with people like her. They wanted to surround themselves in light. “I am going to change and then we can get this stuff squared away.”

“Wonderful! You really do look great.” They smiled and went to change. They looked at themselves from every angle and a slow smile spread across their face. There was just something about this place. They began to hum and jump around as they changed back into their clothes. They sang out loud, full volume to the tune above, something they hadn’t done in ages. It felt good to form the notes in their mouth, it felt like something was clicking into place.

They brought their clothes out to the counter and Monia checked them out with ease.

“Are you gonna wear these for anything special?”

“No, just for me.”

“That’s the best occasion there is,” she replied and handed the plastic bag over along with the receipt. “You drive safe now, I’ll be seeing you again.”

“Yes absolutely, thank you.” They grinned and walked out to the car. They got inside and sat there in silence. They felt oddly exhilarated, like they could do anything, be anyone. Right now all they knew was that they wanted what she had. She had a specific aura that made them want to be around her and feel her warmth. She was alluring and somewhat mysterious. She was like Ayla in that sense. They wanted people to feel that way about them, to feel like home to people. Maybe home was what they were missing. They put their car into drive and carefully pulled out of the empty lot.