Writing: The Sun and the Moon — Pt. 4

***This is the last part of what I have so far regarding the perspective of the main character. This story came to me after reconnecting with some people I had lost touch with. It made me realize how much I had changed in just a year and I wanted to somehow write out that progress. It makes me nervous knowing my writing is going to be out there for people to see but hopefully this will find people who are willing to help me form this story into something amazing. If you have any ideas, comments, or anything to say please email or DM me:) Thanks for being here, I am happy to have you!

The stained glass windows of the church depicted a man being risen again and becoming what people call “The Savior”. It was an impressive display of art, the detail alone made you stop in your tracks. The windows lined the front of the building and took up most of the available space. They were a sequence of events: Jesus teaching, Jesus crucified, Jesus resurrected, and Jesus exalted. He was considered a God among men to most and the miracles he performed were no small feat. According to the church, he was considered The Light™. 

They took a deep breath and walked up the steps to the large oak double doors. They grabbed the handle and paused. What were they doing here? They hadn’t been to church in years, and they’d probably get kicked out for saying something blasphemous. Not on purpose of course, but in general they had a habit of saying things at the wrong times. With a quick shake of their head they pulled the door open and headed inside. The air was thick with the smell of incense, and the vaulted ceilings haunted the pews. They stepped into the building and looked around. The candles that sat on the sconces mounted to the wall gave the place a warm glow and threw shadows across the crowded rows of seats. The podium set in the very front had a large gold emblem of the crucifixion on it which seemed a bit morbid to them. There were three doors, each of them a shade of red: one to the left, to the right, and on the back wall behind the podium. It was a beautiful place, they hadn’t been back since Christmas a few years back. They walked through the door labeled office and Martha, the secretary, looked at them with surprise. She stood up from behind her desk and put her glasses on top of her head.

“Oh hello dear! I haven’t seen you in ages. The pastor is just through there,” she pointed toward the closed door. “It is so nice to see you, bless your heart.” She had a faint southern accent that made everything she said sound sweet, like honey on bread. 

“It’s good to see you too, Martha.” Martha had known them since they were little, when they still came to church every sunday and attended every potluck dinner hosted by the Redeemers of God. These sweet old people mentored the younger generation and taught them how to cook, sew, tie a tie, and the like. They hosted dinners for the congregation to showcase the meals and projects they had learned to make, and Martha had been their mentor when they were a teenager. She was a lovely woman with a wild head of red curls, large red cateye glasses with a gold chain attached around her neck, and these monochromatic outfits that must have been the epitome of style in her time. They walked to the door and knocked before entering. A sharp creak from the door signaled their arrival and the person behind the desk looked up over their glasses.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he smiled and put his glasses on top of his scriptures. “Why don’t you come and give your old man a hug?” He spread his arms wide and they walked over and got enveloped in a bear hug. Their dad smelled of old spice and soap, and they felt at home in his arms. 

“So,” he said as they both parted, “what brings you to my chambers?”

They smiled at him. “You are embarrassing,” they laughed and sat down across from him. “I came to talk to you. I just needed my dad today I guess.”

“Well it must be serious if you came here, I don’t remember the last time you came to the church.”

“I just needed someplace that felt like home,” they replied. I am finding out that I need to do things for myself and it’s kind of scaring me a little. How do people even do this?”

“Well I think it starts with a seed. Do you remember the verse about the mustard seed moving mountains?” They did remember. It was Matthew 17:20-21: “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain. ‘Move from here to there’, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” It was about small faith yielding big results if you stuck to it.

“Yes, I remember it. You had it framed above the mantle. And embroidered on a pillow. And hung by the front door.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Caught that one, huh? I wanted you to know how important your faith is. In this situation, faith in yourself.” He leaned back in his chair and lapsed his hands in front of him. He was wearing a dark purple suit with a black button up. He looked sharp, as always. He always outdressed the majority of the congregation in his church clothes. The man was classy and humble, a great combo when it came to being a church leader. He was able to teach and guide his members with ease. He inspired them to be their best selves and worked with each and every person to do and be better than before. The people loved him, and so did they.

They weren’t especially close with their father but they got along famously when they were together. He was kind and funny and particularly wise, although they would never tell him that. He was him and they were them. Separate. Loving, but separate. That’s how it has always been, but maybe that was the problem. 

“Darling? Are you okay?” He asked.

They shook their head in one quick motion. “Uh yeah… I don’t know. What were you saying?”

 “You need to trust yourself. Take those small steps forward toward a bigger goal. Work on moving that mountain.”

 “I don’t know how to do that Dad.”

 “You’re here aren’t you? You wouldn’t have come to me before, not about this. Why now? Why here?”

They sat back and looked down at their hands. Honestly, they didn’t know why they had come. Another part of them felt completely at home here which was a little odd considering how little they had to do with the church, but they wanted to be here, with him specifically. It wasn’t even about church, not really. They knew Dad would make it all seem okay.

 “I just felt like I needed to see you. I have talked to so many people. And they all had such wise words. I hoped that you had something to tell me, to help. I need to find something I lost so I can go find what really matters to me. I know you said to grow my faith but that’s kind of nonexistent.”

 “What I said was to have faith in yourself, not in the church. As much as I would love that, I know it isn’t right for you and that’s okay.” He shifted in his chair and leaned forward. “Baby steps, small steps toward what you’re searching for. Have you made those steps?” 

“I don’t know, maybe. I hope so. I have been feeling more sure of myself lately, is that a step?”

 “Of course it is! That’s a big step. I’m proud of you for wanting to do this. You’ll be moving mountains in no time, you’ll see. What are you going to do next?”

They shrugged and looked down again. What he was saying made sense, they were just a little apprehensive about the whole thing. They wanted to do this though, they would do this.

 “I’m going to go somewhere that makes me happy. Somewhere I can feel safe.” They stood up and gave a small smile. “Thank you Dad, for everything.”

 “Of course honey, I’ll walk you out.” They both headed out into the main area, and the room was bathed in glorious light. The colors from the stained glass windows threw a warped rainbow across the pews and bathed the cross on the podium in a wonderful gold. They took in a sharp breath and stared at it all in wonder. There was light. 

“Finally,” he said as he looked on at the scene, “I have been waiting for the sun for a long time. It looks like you brought it out for us.” He nudged their shoulder and laughed.

“It’s beautiful,” they breathed. The particles of light mixed with the slight smokiness of the incense and made the light sharpen into colorful rays. The golden sun of the window depicting Jesus being exalted was so bright they almost had to cover their eyes, and the blue pieces of the glass practically glowed with warmth. Tears sprung to their eyes and they hurriedly tried to wipe them away.

 “Honey, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” they replied tearily, “I’ve just really missed the sun. This place is so beautiful.” 

Their dad hugged them with a strong arm and lightly tapped their head with his.

“It is, isn’t it? A wonderful place to spend your days in. I’m really glad you came to see me, we should do this more often. Not the crying though.”

They laughed and wiped their face with their sleeve. “I won’t make it a habit. I will try to see you more often though, I’ve missed you.”

“I have missed you more than words can say. You are a strong, wonderful person and I am proud to be your dad.” They hugged and held on tight, as if they were afraid they’d disappear and never see one another again. That wouldn’t be the case though, they wouldn’t allow it.

They parted and he clapped them on the shoulder. “I love you and I will see you soon, okay?” They nodded and headed out of the church, still looking at the shining windows. 

They covered their eyes as they stepped outside. The sun gleamed, and made everything look bright and new. Birds chirped and plants stood tall in the yards of colorful houses; it was turning into a lovely day. They got into the car and turned the key in the ignition. All they really wanted to do now was see her, and tell her everything they had learned. She would love to hear how far they had come since she last saw them. They felt lighter, and even more sure of themselves. They had been gone for so long…Maybe she wouldn’t care. They shook the thought out of their head. Of course she would care. She loved them with everything she had and vice versa. It was ludicrous to think she would brush them off, she never had before and once they found her, they would prove it to themself. Missing her hurt a little less now as they simply wondered what she would be doing at this very moment. It brought comfort to them. They let out a long breath…1…2…3… and closed their eyes.

Thoughts continued to run rampant through their head. This time felt different though, there was a brighter hue to it all. The thought of being back with her consumed their thoughts. Instead of feeling lost without her they felt the anxious excitement at the prospect of seeing her again. The sun coupled with the feeling of happiness seemed to make the whole car glow with warmth. It felt like she was there with them. She could have been doing anything and it wouldn’t have felt any different to them, they felt only warmth and comfort. They hoped she missed them as much as they missed her. It felt good to think about her out there somewhere, thinking about them. Maybe they would find each other again in this new capacity, and they could show her how good they could be together, and make good on their word. They were stronger than ever before, in ways they never thought were possible for them. They still had struggles, but didn’t everyone? People struggled everyday, it’s what made them human. Knowing what made people seem real put things into perspective for them. People were messy, wild, and heartachingly beautiful. Something about people making mistakes and living despite it all made them feel alive again. The hope that the good people in the world were keeping her safe the same way they had for them gave them some semblance of gratitude. The irony of the panic they were in was not lost on them. It had been the thing to wake them up and realize what they could lose when it should have shut them down. She would be so happy for them. They could imagine her jumping into their arms and whispering how amazing it all was. They missed that bubbly excitement she exuded. Hopefully they could have that with them still. One day they would exude that feeling of home.

They pulled into the driveway of their shared home and sat silently in the car for a moment. They took a deep breath…1…2…3… and slowly got out of the car. They gathered everything they had accumulated: a cup, a pamphlet, the book, the clothes, and the note they had frantically written out with her supposed whereabouts. All of these things were inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but they couldn’t bring themselves to throw any of it out. Even the trash had something within it; it had memories. They looked in the backseat and saw the forgotten duffle bag. They had never stopped, never slowed down. It had been pointless to bring it along and yet it had all they needed, mostly anyway. There was a piece of her in the way they packed; wildly and freely. She was a free spirit, and she could be wildly passionate about the things she loved, just like they were about her. Now they hoped she would find her way back to them somehow, someday. They walked inside and stood in the doorway, the quiet house looming in front of them. Save for her solo outings, they had never been alone, truly alone, in the house. The prospect of walking in by themselves was intimidating, daunting, and altogether terrifying. Yet, they did it anyway. They made one slow, careful step after another as they made their way inside. It was dim and eerie, and the creaks of the floorboards signaled their arrival. There was no one here. They made their way down the hall and paused. The last time they had seen their sunroom it had been dark and scary with all the lightning and the wilted plants. What if it happened again? What if they had ruined their sunroom? They squeezed their eyes shut and took a deep breath…1…2…3… and freed a hand to drag along the wall toward the sunroom. With their eyes still closed they fumbled for the door handle on the glass partition separating them from her. When they walked through they felt a burst of warmth and the room seemed bright even with their eyes closed. They carefully opened their eyes and saw a room bursting with color and light. It was as if the plants knew they were coming and got to work, blooming and growing nonstop. The flowers were lovely and the leaves on the plants were a strong green hue. They looked up to see a clear blue sky, and a bright yellow sun gleaming. They suddenly felt at home in this space and immediately put all of their things on the ground and sprawled on the red boho couch centered in the room. They heaved a big sigh and simply gazed about the space. The stained glass flower hanging from one of the windows sent colors across the brick wall opposite of it, and the rainbow reached across the elephant ear plants that were so sad before. Now they stood tall and cutely droopy, just as they were meant to. They picked up the book they had set on the floor and began to read in their sunroom once more. 

~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~

“Wake up sleepyhead,” a feminine voice sang out in the dark.

They groaned and attempted to open their eyes, but the sun was so bright they couldn’t see properly. They put their hand over their eyes and squinted up.

“Ayla?”

She held out a steaming mug of hot chocolate to them and smiled.